One of the Last Taboos-Mental Health

*Trigger warning-Swearing, mental health issues in this post*

This post has been a long time coming. If anyone who follows the blog knows that there has been a lack of updates and a huge delay in posts. This is not a post about 'how busy I've been' or 'there hasn't been enough time'. Not this time, this is more serious.

About a year ago, I had some terrible shit happen to me. I thought I was ok, I was starting a business with my friends, I was living with my boyfriend who I dearly care about, I was gyming it and I was happy. At least, I thought I was. However, I was living on a very fine line. A line that I didn't know I was on. 

I was on the edge, and then, I got my final push from the friend that I was meant to start the business with. I won't go into details of why she decided to end the whole thing, because if I told you her reasons, you would cringe. I will not go down that road of petty bitchy-ness as I'm not like that and will not go down to that level. 

The long process of fighting over the name of the business, insurance, ownership, everything, ensued thereafter. I was lucky enough to help legal help and I got professionally drawn up letters and emails. While I received bitter, unprofessional emails and texts.

In those few difficult months, panic attacks started. I was awake at night, worrying about everything. My safety, my career, reputation. I carried on like it everything was fine. While I was harassed every which way.

I think that, I took a brave step, a step that most people do not even bother with because its still a taboo. I went to the doctors, and was diagnosed with anxiety. Finally after all these years, it had a name! I wasn't insane or mental, I had a thing!! It was such a huge weight off me. It was only in those last few troublesome months, that it began to manifest itself into an ugly anxiety monster that reared its head into my life.

More people suffer with depression and anxiety, yet nothing is ever said because it is still not fully understood. 1 in 6 people (in the UK) will suffer with depression once in their lifes and yet its still a little 'awkward' to talk about. So here I am, being awkward, by talking about it now. I am not crazy, mental or insane. I have anxiety. I decided to to start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy rather then going onto tablets. I was approached with kind, helpful people who didn't judge me, as they knew better. So months later, I'm better, still on the road to recovery. The anxiety monster that loomed, is getting pushed back by 'Old Penny'. Which I'm getting back into.

I'm lucky to have support from a family who now understand (thank you), I have some support from co-workers who took the time to listen (thank you), I've got some fucking fantastic friends which I cannot thank enough for chatting about everything and lastly, my boyfriend Rob. He went through it all with me and could not do a thing about it. At the time, he just sat and listened. He saw me suffering and tried hard to help. He cried with me, got frustrated at me and ate all the chocolate with me. One day he told me that there maybe something more to it and suggested I seek professional help. Without him, I don't think I would have the strength to ask for help. Don't worry, I made him some cookies as thanks.

To those who helped and you know who you are. I'll always be grateful to all of you, so I'll be forever baking to say thank you. Which I don't mind. 

I'm not really sure how to finish this really. I'm not a doctor that can give you advice. I can't do a 'Top Ten Tips' for this, its ongoing. Mental health is still be researched and we've only begun to scratch the surface. The only advice, (if you can call it that), that I can offer is: be kind. If someone is reaching out by telling you that they think they maybe suffering from an mental illness. Listen and rather than suggesting to 'cheer up', suggest that they go to a professional. Be kind to others around you and you might make someone's day a little brighter. That's all really. If you take away anything from this, is that hope is not lost. There is help out there, please speak up about it. 

If you feel that you or someone you love is suffering with anxiety, (or depression) don't be afraid to reach out for help and come forward. There are people who can help, you just need to ask. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this and share with anyone who may benefit from it. 

Fat Friday #37 Sacher Torte

First of all Happy Birthday Sofia!! Its her birthday and it falls on a Fat Friday which is totally awesome! So happy birthday Sof! I'm sure she would approve of a dark chocolate sacher torte. Its more like a brownie then a cake, which makes it horrid to cut, but with the dark glaze it tastes amazing. Its not a cake that you can keep moonching on, its a rich cake so take it easy. But it IS Fat Friday so go for it!

Torte (recipe kindly provided by my pastry tutor) ingredients:

• 6oz bitter chocolate
• 3oz butter
• 4 egg yolks
• 4oz sugar
• 5 egg whites
•  ¼ teaspoon salt
• 1/3 cup of flour
•  A little apricot jam to brush on the cake and put in the middle of the cake

Glaze Ingredients:

• 6oz dark chocolate
• 1oz butter
• 2oz double cream
• Plus a little extra melted white chocolate or milk if you like to pipe on top of the cake.

Equipment:

• Whisk/handwhisk
• Heatproof bowl
• Pan of hot water
• Wooden spoon
• 9 inch cake tin lined with silicone paper
• Pastry brush
• Piping bag
• Serrated knife

Cake Method:

1. Preheat oven to 180c/Gas Mark 4/350f.
2. Combine the chocolate and butter and melt over a pan of water
3.Whisk the yolks with 1oz of the sugar until pale.
4.Beat the egg and sugar mixture into the melted chocolate.
5.Whisk the egg whites with the remaining sugar to create a meringue.
6.Combine 1/3 of the meringue to the chocolate then gently fold the remaining meringue.
7.Pour into a 9 inch cake tin and cook for 40 minutes. Once cooked leave to cool on a wire rack.
8.Cut into 2 layers with the serrated knife and, using a palette knife, spread a little layer with apricot jam. Assemble the cake back together and brush of the crumbs.

Glaze Method:

1.Combine the chocolate and butter and melt together.
2.Boil the cream and fold in the chocolate mixture.

To Complete:

1.Place the cake on top of the wire rack with a tray underneath to catch the glaze.
2.Using a spoon and a palette knife spread the glaze on the cake and let it drip down the sides of the cake. Wait until the glaze has set. 
3.Traditionally, you can pipe ‘Sacher’ on the top of the cake using extra chocolate and a piping bag.

Happy Birthday Sofia! Have a great weekend!

What I got For Christmas 2014

I'm very lucky to have friends and family who know me very well. They know that getting food and baking related gifts is always a winner. I'm so grateful for all my gifts this year, and I thought I would share with you readers what I got. (Its also a thank-you post as well :))  

One of the coolest notebooks that I've ever received is the 'Notes of a Baking Genius'. Which sums me up perfectly! Which my friends Lucy and Ben got me. I'm also in love with my cute cupcake little diary which I'll be documenting my blog post dates and college deadlines (Thanks Nan and Gramps). The baking dvd and book combo my mum got, when I have a moment I'll have to watch it (Thanks Mum!) Also, the tea towels my Mum got me as well, which are very pretty.

 I got the Great British Bake Off Showstoppers (thankies Sofia!) which I've been browsing for my next bake. Also, I got the latest Primrose Bakery book which is all about Christmas cakes and bakes (again thank you Mum). I haven't had a chance to look at this one, but I'm looking forward to reading it. Another fantastic gift is the green tea-towel which has written on here: "1. Bake Cake, 2. Accidentally eat it all myself." Again, Lucy and Ben nailed it, thank you!

Another couple of lovely gifts I got were from 2 good friends of mine, unfortunately I was too stupid to take any pictures of them. I opened them up at different times before Christmas and, I tend to get a bit over excited, so I ripped them to shreds. Firstly, I received a pretty blue owl mug and Instant Chai Latte mix that I got from Chloe. I wish I had taken a picture of the whole thing wrapped up because it was so pretty. Many thankies Chloe! Also, my friend Zoe knows me very well in my love off all things coffee related and she got Starbucks Hot Chocolate Mixes *Homer Simpson Drool*. Thanks Zoe!! I'm also very lucky in getting my first ever blowtorch, which is a girly pink! I also got 2 adorable little heart shaped crème brulee pots with the blowtorch! Thanks Chantelle and Nicky, I can't wait to use this!

Lastly, Rob got me the coolest thing ever: a Rice Cube! (didn't take pictures was to busy being a child and opening them up). Its a cute little device that makes sushi simple. I can't wait to start playing with it. Rob also got me a traditional bamboo steamer, presumably to go with my Rice Cube. Thank you so much Rob!

The next gift has nothing to do with baking at all, but it definitely deserves a mention. Its a zombie desktop shooting set! I've got a pencil gun with rubber band shots and zombie rubber targets. I keep getting distracted cause they need to be shot at! (Lucy and Ben woo!! Thank you very very much for this!)

I did get more pressies but they were more skincare related and there are plenty of blogs that showcase beauty and make-up bits. This be a foodie blog and make-up is not really my domain anyway.

Did you get any food related gifts this Christmas?

Its Going to be the Best Year Yet! (Yeah erm that depends)

I'm sure most of you have noticed the many posts of new year resolutions and general Happy New Years floating around on the internet and in the real world, via friends and family. When blog posts, magazines or videos are titled "best year yet" or "Make this year great" it really winds me up. Although some are very inspirational and well written, my problem with these type of articles is that they assume that there is something wrong with all of us. You are perfect. These articles give you tips and tricks to sticking with your resolutions and changing your life, but the truth is that you are the only one who can make these changes and no amount of life hacks can help with that. You can read until your eyes pop out about the amount of new year life changes but its up to you. I believe greatly in setting your own goals for a new year but realistic ones. Did you know that 88% of new year resolutions fail in the UK? Rather then give you the traditional tips, I'm offering improved resolutions to consider in the new year to help you succeed. ive chosen three common resolutions

1. Old resolution: I want to lose weight/drop a dress size

This always comes up, every year. Maybe not for you, but for someone you know perhaps. January can be a cold and unforgiving month. Your body needs food during the harsh cold months, so starving yourself with that new diet will be much harder and more likely to fail. The best time to diet is around March and April, in time for the spring. Rather then dieting, make smarter choices for a healthier you. You fancy a chocolate bar, swap it for dark chocolate cover fruit (strawberries work well). Its the weekend approaching, you want to order a take-away, why not cook your own instead? You know whats in your food. You get the idea? Let me assure you, dear reader, you are perfect the way you are. Diets are the work of devils and often, end in tears and frustration and you are worth more then that.

Improved resolution: I will try to slowly start my healthly diet but making smarter food choices.

2.Old resolution: I will stop smoking/drinking
Drinking and smoking is very addictive. Much like dieting, it will be a slow process. Quiting smoking especially is the hardest thing in the world. Set a date to start cutting down and simply start. If you smoke 10 cigerettes a day, cut out one in 3 days and follow on from there. Do this with drink as well. Normally you may have a 3 glasses at the weekend, cut out the one and follow from there. This can be applied to most negetive habits. You can do it! Friends and family are there to support you at anytime, you only need to ask.

Improved resolution: I will gradually cut out smoking at my own pace.

3. Old resolution: I will not splurge on junk
Saving money is very tough. It can be hard when you like a good spend, a nice meal out or like a little shopping spree. Starting a money jar with loose change can help towards savings. You can even start a 'drink/smoke/swear' jar, wherein you put a little bit of money in jar whenever you drink/smoke/swear.Making your own lunch or drinks to-go can also save you money in the long run. by making small changes you can save that money and put it towards something great!

 Improved resolution: I will make my own lunches to save myself a little bit of money each week.

Whatever your resolution is, I fully believe That you can do it. If you need support then comment on the Facebook page! Goodbye 2014 and Hello 2015! Happy New Year!

The Cake and Bake Haul 2014

I'm so excited to be writing this (finally) after the Cake and Bake show (2014). I did set a budget and totally broke it...erg. Can't even follow my own rules..

Some great Halloween Showstoppers

My friend and I got to the show at 10:30am to bet the crowds. I'm not going to lie, it got insanely busy by 1pm. I had no idea people loved baking so much... or maybe its people love eating cake? Either way its good.

This is my Cake and Bake haul. I know this is a kind of a beauty/fashion blogger thing, with the make-up and clothes haul. But I'm all about breaking the rules and why not a do a haul post? (Also just want to point out that I didn't get paid or sponsored for this post, its all my honest opinion. I just want to point out some really great companies.)

So lets start off with something not even related to baking at all.
Heck Foods is a new company to me and specialise in making "damn good sausages" (all gluten free btw). They have a range of sausages and we got to sample them all. Honestly, there very meaty and plump, I opted for something a little different which was Smokey Chorizo Style Sausages. At 97% meat, I was expecting something really good and I was not disappointed. The smokiness of the paprika really came out and the taste really resembled chorizo. The only critique I have is that it was a little oily, but again that's the style of a chorizo sausage.

The next things I got my crumbly hands on is some amazing biscuits from Furniss biscuits. They boast traditional Cornish baked biscuits and Great Taste Awards. When Lucy and I walked past the stall at Cake and Bake, I was really sceptical because they were just biscuits. But there were free samples calling us over and we decided to stop to have a nibble... good thing we did! I fell for the West Country Cheddar biscuits, it was a cheese heaven in biscuit. I can say you don't need any sort of cheese with these biscuits. The other biscuits I settled on was the honey and ginger biscuits for those moonching on the sofa in the warm while its cold outside. Both a balanced in flavours and great addition to add into the biscuit tin. I would have liked to have seen more biscuits in a pack (8 biscuits to a pack) but the flavours make up for it.  

Its almost Halloween so obviously, Halloween sprinkles! I've been using Scrumptious for a couple of years now. I love the range of cupcakes cases, sprinkles and glitters. I recommend that you check the site out for the full range. This year I've settled on some cute Halloween sprinkles which is ideal for topping up some Halloween treats.

Another treat that Lucy and I both got was orange chocolate brownies. Now that may sound a little standard but, quite simply, BEST ORANGE  CHOCOLATE BROWNIES. Hands down. I mean it takes a lot for me to say  this (type?) but honestly, it really does rival my own brownies. Chocolicous Cakes, don't ever change this recipe, its the best.  Its rich, dark and with that orange flavour hiting you at the end.

I got a couple of moulds from The Crafty Mould Company, who were so friendly to chat too. They can do custom moulds which is something unusual. I fell in love with the dios de la muerte skull and vintage button one as well. Both are super adorable and I'm finding excuses to use them. I can't wait!

I also got 12 of super freakin' cute mini cupcakes from one of my

favourite London cupcake companies, Crumbs and Doilies!

                         

There so lovely and with a variety of flavours all packed in one box. I've even got their cookbook. I would say that it was a shame that the card machine was busted and it was a little inconvenient to get cash out for the box, but the cupcakes made up for it. Ok, the flavours I got in my box:

• Vanilla
• Oreo
• Buttered popcorn
• Rolo Cupcake
• Chocolate
• Eton Mess
• Pumpkin Spice
• Breakfast
• Lemon mess

The other flavours I didn't get to taste because my boyfriend scoffed them!

Lastly, I got really excited about this from Sugar and Crumbs, again this is a company that I haven't heard of but I wish I had! I managed to try practically every flavour of the icing sugar (made into buttercream) I fully wanted them all! I did settle for Salted Caramel and Sugar and Spice flavours, which tastes like cinnamon toast. Its such a good concept and why has no one jumped on this?! Its such a time saver. I'm definitely going to use the mix for Halloween or maybe even Christmas, this year. Give the icing sugars a try, I really recommend the pink lemonade-oh wow!

Also a big shout out to On Macaroons and Loretta Lui who do the most kawaii macaroons ever. There is a new cookbook coming out really soon, which might be on my Christmas list.

And of course, I want to say Lucy, it was such a bloody blast! I had so much fun and I can't wait to hang out again soon!

Did you go to the Cake and Bake Show this year?

Red Velvet Cake with Blue Lace Butterfies

"Remember, Sofia has no idea about this birthday meal. Keep it quiet! So I'm thinking red velvet cake?" I read the message that my friend sent and was like: "Yessss!! Cake commission!!"

This particular cake was for a good friend who I've made birthday cakes for in the past.   

Red velvet is one of those cakes that has that luxury feel, and it wouldn't be the same without a white icing but trying to incorporate blue, (which is Sofia's favourite colour) was tough. But after a great deal of thinking, inspiration came in from an insect form. 

I was waiting for the bus when a butterfly flew past me and as I got home I was reading my cookery books for inspiration and a royal icing tutorial jumped out at me and guess what? It featured butterflies. Clearly a sign right? Or maybe just an odd coincidence? Whatever the case, the end result was worth the extra effort. 

I was very please how this cake turned out. Not because it was tasty and super sugary (because that's what you need after a heavy meal...), but more because my best friends was thrilled with the cake. 

I hope that we made your birthday really special Sofia.

These delicate butterflies are just that, DELICATE! Make extra because there will be causalities but there worth the effort in the end as they look so pretty. You have to leave these to dry overnight, so do these before you bake the cake. 

Recipe: Lace Butterflies (Adapted from Divine Cupcakes by Tamara Jane)

Ingredients:

·       1 egg white

·       Ice blue colouring paste

·       300g icing sugar

·       ½ teaspoon lemon juice

Equipment:

·       Electric mixer/hand-held electric whisk

·       Sieve

·       Bowl x 1

·       Baking paper

·       Foil

·       Paper

·       Pencil/pen

·       Edible glitter in pink

·       Disposable piping bag

·       Scissors

Step 1. Beat the egg white

1.    Beat the egg white with an electric mixer until foamy.

2.    Add the icing sugar gradually beating well after each addition.

Step 3. Colour the icing

3.    Icing is ready when peaks appear and holds shape. Beat in lemon juice and food colouring. 

Step 4. Trace a butterfly template

4.    Trace a butterfly template (use a simple one as a complex template will be tricky) onto paper and place the baking paper on top.

Step 5. Fill the piping bag

5.    Fill the bag with royal icing and cut the point off the bag so there is a 1mm diameter.

Step 6. Pipe the thin line to create the butterfly

6.    Pipe a thin line over the template. Once finish sprinkle with edible glitter and allow to dry overnight.

Step 7. Place on decorated cake 

7.    Peel off the paper and use to decorate the cake by placing around the sides of the cake.

8.    With the remaining icing pipe your message on top of the cake.

Recipe: Red Velvet Cake

·       75g unsalted butter, softened (plus a little extra for greasing)

·       300g caster sugar

·       2 eggs, beaten

·       1 teaspoon vanilla extract

·       225g plain flour

·       3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

·       1 ½ teaspoon red food colour paste

·       125ml buttermilk

·       1 tablespoon white vinegar

Equipment:

·       Wilton Tasty Fill cake pan

·       Electric mixer/hand-held electric whisk

·       Sieve

·       Bowl x 2

·       Tablespoon

·       Teaspoon

1.    Pre heat the oven to 180c/350c/ Gas mark 4. Grease and flour cake tins.

Step 2. Sift all dry ingredients together

2.    For the cake, cream the butter and sugar together in a bowl, then beat in the eggs and vanilla extract. Sift the flour, cocoa powder, bicarbonate of soda and salt into a separate bowl. Stir in the food colour paste into buttermilk.

3.    Alternately add the flour and buttermilk mixtures to the creamed mixture. Stir in the vinegar, mixing well. Pour the mixture into the prepared tins, dividing it evenly. Bake in the oven for 30-35 mins or until firm to touch. Cool in the tins for 10 mins, then turn out onto a wire rack and leave to cool completely.

Recipe: Bulk Vanilla Buttercream frosting (Adapted from Divine Cupcakes by Tamara Jane)

·       200g unsalted butter, softened

·       125ml milk

·       1 tablespoon vanilla extract

·       2kg icing sugar, sifted

Equipment:

·       Electric mixer/hand-held electric whisk

·       Sieve

·       Bowl x 1

        Palette knife

       Optional piping bag fitted with a nozzle

1.Using a large mixer, cream the butter for 1-2 minutes.

2. Add the milk, vanilla and half the icing sugar and beat for 3 minutes or until light a fluffy.

Step 3. Beat until spreadable

3. Add the remaining icing sugar and beat for a further 3 minutes or until it is a spreadable consistency.

Step 4. Spread  the buttercream into the middle of the cake.

4. Once the cakes are completely cooled you can start putting some of the buttercream into the middle of the cake. 

5. Spread the rest of the buttercream over the top and sides of the cake using a palette knife ensuring it is as smooth as you can get it. 

6. If you have any leftover buttercream (depends on how thick you like it on your cake), you can place some in a piping bag fitted with a star nozzle to swirl around the edges. 

Its not as hard as it looks and is worth the effort and the smile on peoples faces when they see a 3-D cake.

Happy Day Challenge Day 3: Covering Alice

Welcome to day 3 of the 100 happy days challenge! Today's picture comes from my diary, where I wrote that I've covering a  shift for work colleague Alice. 

I know she might not want the details published all over the internet but the short story is that her and boyfriend can't spend loads of time together because he has a job which takes him half away around the world and she is in the UK. When he comes back to the UK, they try to spend as much time as they can with each other. This is (10-12th January 2014) the last weekend before he leaves again and sadly, Alice works Saturdays. She texted and asked if it was alright if I could cover. 

Thinking about it, I've been in that situation before and I was let down by all the other staff members because they didn't want to give up their day off (different job and different area of the world. Don't ask!). So I know how that feels when you can't get the day off to see a loved one. Its not pleasant. So of course I said yes! It made her and her boyfriend happy and  it made me happy to do a good thing. That's the most important thing that a little action like this can make the world a little more brighter.

Happy Day Challenge Day 2-Abbie's Note

This is the second day of the 100 happy days challenge and it was this note that caused me to smile.
The note in question was left by a work college called Abbie left this note saying that anyone who was in the shop don't forget to reprice the stock and take down all the Christmas decorations but she wrote:

Please carry on repriceing!
Done loads today!
I'm frazzled hunnays
Keep it real like Ian beil and take down more Xmas decs if there are any lol!

love Bunny (Abbie) xxx loves ya!
If you knew how sweet and funny Abbie is, then you'd see how funny it is. Thanks for the day-brightening note Abbie! 

Its looking like another year, just happier

For Christmas I ate so much cakes, sweets, and just food that not only did I get baking related gifts, I'm sure I put on an extra couple of pounds! Which is totally worth it. Food is always worth it!

But this year the baking gifts have been so epic cool!

• Cupcake Calender (Thanks mama!)
• The New Primrose Bakery Celebrations Book (Thanks again mum)
• A set of measuring shot glasses (Yet again thanks mum)
• A diary that has my name on it!!! (NOTHING EVER HAS MY NAME ON IT!!! So I was very thrilled with this. Thanks mum!)
• Conversion Apron (Very helpful Naomi and thank-you)
• Undead cookie cutter (This is totally cool! Thanks Ben)
• Green tea ice cream powder (Naomi this is so cool!)
• Green tea x 2 (Will be drinking this quickly, thanks Naomi)
• Caramel covered dates (Again thanks Naomi)
• Camel Milk chocolate (ermm... thanks Naomi...  Not sure what to make of this one. I bet it tastes great.) 

Also, this is wicked cool, a necklace with my name on it. Its so hard to find something with my name on it. Thank-you Lucy this is so lovely!

Not featured in the photos is

Great British Bake Off Calender (thanks Sofia!)

A pretty butterfly cake stand (Thankies Naomi!!) 

Gingerbread man soap (Yummy smelling thanks Lucy!)

After the celebrations of Christmas and the partying of New Year has worn off the dreaded January Blues begins to set in. Its been 5 days into 2014 and its starting to look like another year. It's that sort of thinking along with going back to work or studying and the cold weather that really get the January Blues really gets going. I've found out that on January 10th, most new year resolutions get broken. (This post is going somewhere, it won't be doom and gloom. Just keep reading.) This is why I don't make new year resolutions I always forget them in the end. But this year I've decided to keep to 2 resolutions:

• Cut down on the swearing. I know it sounds strange that this lovely looking, not awkward at all lady, swears at all. But after working in kitchens and the frustrations of uni, yes I do admit I have a swearing problem! So for the sake of my families and friends ears, I'm cutting down the swearing. 
• I'm trying the 100 happy days challenge, trying to be happy for 100 days... that's pretty much it! And why not? January is a bit of a bummer month but doing even the smallest things can bring us an amazing amount of joy. 

So that's how I'm fighting the January blues with a little bit of happiness everyday. I encourage all of you to do the same because we can make this year like every other... just a lot more happier. What's my first happy moment? Well it's writing this post! 
(Update 07/01/14 I may not be able to update the blog everyday, however all the pictures will be published on the facebook page)