One of the Last Taboos-Mental Health

*Trigger warning-Swearing, mental health issues in this post*

This post has been a long time coming. If anyone who follows the blog knows that there has been a lack of updates and a huge delay in posts. This is not a post about 'how busy I've been' or 'there hasn't been enough time'. Not this time, this is more serious.

About a year ago, I had some terrible shit happen to me. I thought I was ok, I was starting a business with my friends, I was living with my boyfriend who I dearly care about, I was gyming it and I was happy. At least, I thought I was. However, I was living on a very fine line. A line that I didn't know I was on. 

I was on the edge, and then, I got my final push from the friend that I was meant to start the business with. I won't go into details of why she decided to end the whole thing, because if I told you her reasons, you would cringe. I will not go down that road of petty bitchy-ness as I'm not like that and will not go down to that level. 

The long process of fighting over the name of the business, insurance, ownership, everything, ensued thereafter. I was lucky enough to help legal help and I got professionally drawn up letters and emails. While I received bitter, unprofessional emails and texts.

In those few difficult months, panic attacks started. I was awake at night, worrying about everything. My safety, my career, reputation. I carried on like it everything was fine. While I was harassed every which way.

I think that, I took a brave step, a step that most people do not even bother with because its still a taboo. I went to the doctors, and was diagnosed with anxiety. Finally after all these years, it had a name! I wasn't insane or mental, I had a thing!! It was such a huge weight off me. It was only in those last few troublesome months, that it began to manifest itself into an ugly anxiety monster that reared its head into my life.

More people suffer with depression and anxiety, yet nothing is ever said because it is still not fully understood. 1 in 6 people (in the UK) will suffer with depression once in their lifes and yet its still a little 'awkward' to talk about. So here I am, being awkward, by talking about it now. I am not crazy, mental or insane. I have anxiety. I decided to to start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy rather then going onto tablets. I was approached with kind, helpful people who didn't judge me, as they knew better. So months later, I'm better, still on the road to recovery. The anxiety monster that loomed, is getting pushed back by 'Old Penny'. Which I'm getting back into.

I'm lucky to have support from a family who now understand (thank you), I have some support from co-workers who took the time to listen (thank you), I've got some fucking fantastic friends which I cannot thank enough for chatting about everything and lastly, my boyfriend Rob. He went through it all with me and could not do a thing about it. At the time, he just sat and listened. He saw me suffering and tried hard to help. He cried with me, got frustrated at me and ate all the chocolate with me. One day he told me that there maybe something more to it and suggested I seek professional help. Without him, I don't think I would have the strength to ask for help. Don't worry, I made him some cookies as thanks.

To those who helped and you know who you are. I'll always be grateful to all of you, so I'll be forever baking to say thank you. Which I don't mind. 

I'm not really sure how to finish this really. I'm not a doctor that can give you advice. I can't do a 'Top Ten Tips' for this, its ongoing. Mental health is still be researched and we've only begun to scratch the surface. The only advice, (if you can call it that), that I can offer is: be kind. If someone is reaching out by telling you that they think they maybe suffering from an mental illness. Listen and rather than suggesting to 'cheer up', suggest that they go to a professional. Be kind to others around you and you might make someone's day a little brighter. That's all really. If you take away anything from this, is that hope is not lost. There is help out there, please speak up about it. 

If you feel that you or someone you love is suffering with anxiety, (or depression) don't be afraid to reach out for help and come forward. There are people who can help, you just need to ask. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this and share with anyone who may benefit from it. 

Happy Birthday (to me!) Cakes!

Yay today is my birthday! Woo!! Happy Birthday to me! I'll be doing a follow up post on what I did for my birthday later in the month. But for the today here's my ultimate list of drool-worthy birthday that I would love to receive (hint).

Princess Mini Cakes

 

 Gluten Free Chocolate Suit Cake

 

 Red Velvet Cake with Blue Lace Butterflies

 

Gluten Free Chocolate Birthday Cake 

 Citrus Birthday Cake

 The Hidden Heart Cake

 That Burger Cake

 

Cherry Blossom and Vanilla Cake

University. To go? Not to Go? That Debate.

This post has been a long time coming and was inspired by the chat I had with a friend at college. People are often surprised when I inform them I've graduated university with a BA in Hospitality, and how I decided to go back to college. Yes, I've done my years and I am richer for the experience.

But I'll let you in on a secret, I did not go to university for the right reasons. My decision was prompted not because I was unsure what to do with myself, or because I'm super passionate about business and cooking.

It was to prove a point. I can admit that now.

I felt that I had to prove to the world, that I could do the university thing. That I could make it through the studying and come out with a great achievement. I did it to prove to myself that I could get through to the other side.
That sounds very shallow and yeah, it is. But that was my thinking at the time. Even though I did perhaps go for the wrong reasons, I came out learning the right life lessons:

• I came out learning more about business, including how much fodder human resources can be at times.
• I have learnt that when working as a group there will always be one member, at least one, who does nothing and will still get the same credit for you and your groups hard work. They know who they are and the fact is, they don't give a crap. Try to deal with it maturely. People like this will confront you in all aspects of life and will always get found out in the end. Trust me, they get hated for it and people will purposely avoid them because of this trait.
• I've met lots of people, but only a select few you stay with you in your heart.
• I've drunk some ridiculous concoctions at uni. End of.
• I learnt that my goal is to open my own business, doing what I love (which is baking and cooking...duh...).
• Balancing a job and university work is bloody hard. But really shows to future employers that you can manage your time well. Oh and the extra money isn't that bad either.  
• I learnt to open up my heart again, starting dating and so, fell in love. (3 and 1/2 years later, we're still in love. Awww.... ok Chick flick moment over).  

I have learnt more than I can list. It was all thanks to that shallow decision that turned my life into something positive. That's my rhyme and reason for going to university. I'm so grateful that I went to uni and that the whole experience was worth it, hard, but worth it.

So to go? Not to go? Its a big decision for everyone. With tuition fees higher then ever and employers not hiring graduates because their 'too over qualified', its made the decision even harder. The fees were at a high set price when I applied and so ,it was a natural move. Now students have to pay crazy fees that will be with them for a long portion of their lives. Its not a light decision to make, so I've rounded up some of my friends and family thoughts and feelings on going/not going to uni. These are REAL responses from REAL people, that I REALLY know... REALLY!:

Leanne's advice: "Join a club and meet people!"

Dan (didn't want to go to uni): "Cause I is thick as f**k" 
I dig your honesty Dan.

"Mad" Max's advice (went to uni): "Go on a place and meet people"

Chloe B (Didn't want to go to uni): "I'm too stupid. Being deado serious here."

Ann (Never had the chance to go to uni): "I never had the chance to go to university. I was never good enough. My family was more important to me. I still stand by that decision."

Rob (Uni goer and still studying): "I went for a fresh start and to enhance my career." and his advice: "If something is offered to you. Give it a go. I'll never play OctoPush again, but I gave it a go."

Claudiu's (went to uni) advice: "Experience life abroad and meet people."

Chloe C (Studying at the moment): "University is the best experience of my life! Eyeryone should go! (And at college I never wanted to) so I'm a complete convert."

Emma (Studying at uni too): "I would say don't go just because you feel you have to...if you can find an apprenticeship/internship in the field you want to go into that would ideally be better and cost less. [University]...has been stressful at the start... but starting to settle in now and enjoy it more...but still wish I was more active in looking at other options." Her advice: "Be prepared for people who bullshit...A LOT. Not everyone is sane."

I want to thank all of you who contributed and helped me write this article. I hope this post has raised a point with some readers and has made you think.
Did you go to uni? What advice have you got? Why didn't you go to uni? Let me know what you think

Penny's Top Ten Tips #8 Living with the Other Half

Its that time of week again. TOP TIP TIME! Since me and Rob have finally moved in and we've settled down, it makes sense that we should do some hints on living with the other half.

1. There will be surprises-
Good and bad surprises that is. You'll learn that you both have odd habits, that you may be grossed out by, but fear not there will be good surprises too. I learnt that Rob can really cook an amazing pasta bake, which surprised me because I thought he couldn't cook (Sorry darling! I know you can :3)  

2. Bottling up is never a good idea-
We've both learnt that bottling up any comments or feelings is not a good idea. In any situation, just say what you feel, even if it upsets the other person. Its better in the long run to say how you feel rather then bottle it up and snap later.

3. Make date night important-
One day or one evening, just for the two of you. I know its a cliché, but setting aside one day for both of you to escape everyday life and to keep the romance alive.

4. Cherish each moment together-
Rob and I don't spend masses of time together, its not because we can't be bothered but we both work really hard. Its difficult even to work in our date nights. When we eat dinner or just watch TV we really make little moments we spend together count.

5. Learn how to communicate clearly-
If you have something to ask say it in a clear and effective manner to avoid arguments. Example: Rob: "Do you want the last cupcake?"
(I do want the last cupcake) Penny: "Erm... I don't mind..."
Rob: "Ok I eat it *nom*"
Penny: "Ahh!! I wanted that!!"
Rob: "But you didn't say..."

6. Help each other-
Whether its housework or cooking, its a team effort. You really  need to help each other out by not letting one person carry the weight.

7. Be extremely patient-
I'm sure that you and your partner have different personalities. You must have some idea of what their like already (hopefully if you've been dating for a while). Its getting used to seeing them, all the time, 24 hours a day, without a break. It will take time and patience when you move in. Even when the kitchen is left in a state... your partner may not feel that keeping the place tidy is important. You need to calmly say that its not acceptable to left the kitchen in a messy state and it would mean a lot if it was left clean. Rather then blew up over it, be patient and clear.

8. Personal Space-
Just because you live together doesn't mean that have to spend every moment together. You'll need your own time, to do your own thing-to keep you sane! For example, I blog and I bake a lot on my own. Meanwhile, Rob plays video games for some 'me time' (at the moment he's playing Shadow of Mordor, which looks like a pretty epic game). The message is that you'll enjoy each others company more, when you spend time apart. You know the old saying: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

9. Get a Hobby!-
While me and Rob do our own thing. When we have an hour to spend together we go to the cinema or we watch a TV series together (Its the Walking Dead at the moment). We've found a hobby together which we means we spend more time together and as a bonus we do something fun together!

10. Leave the frustration outside the front door-
When you leave work, mentally leave it. After a hard day at university, leave it at university and don't bring the frustrations home with you as that frustration can be taken out on your partner.

Penny's Top Ten Tips #6 Moving In

Nearly the weekend is upon us. Its within grasp but for now it's only Thursday and that means Penny's Top Ten Tips. This one is close to my heart.

I left home when I was 16 but I stayed with my grandparents to study hospitality and cookery at college. I then moved away for university as a fresher! I enjoyed the experience of meeting people and introducing myself to the uni scene. However, my fun experience was cut short as a family member ended up in hospital and it was looking grim... It turned out fine and the family member made a full recovery. It was an eye opening miracle and I wasn't ready to fly the nest after that, so I moved back with my grandparents until graduation. Its only in my early twenties, that I've decided to take the plunge with Rob (the boyfriend) and move in together. I'm a total fresher* when it comes to really looking after myself, but lucky for me, I've got a very patient and supportive boyfriend. So here is my list on moving into your first rented house...
(*Doesn't mean I'm totally incompetent at looking after myself.)

1. The move won't get done in a day-
Don't be under the illusion that you will be all done with the unpacking in an afternoon. It will be a slow and gruelling process finding where your stuff is going to live and what stuff you forgot to pack... Trust me on this, don't rush the unpacking process it will take a little time, depending on how much you have, set aside a couple of hours a day to unpack a little at a time. 


2. Bring some cleaning materials-
When moving in, I cleaned the place from top to bottom. It was more like a mass sterilisation of the place. But the previous tenants left the place in a state, so we didn't have much choice. Here's the list (within the list) of cleaning products that I recommend that you take (just in case):

• Mop and mop bucket
• Indoor brush
• (outdoor brush if needed)
• White clothes
• Washing up bowls
• Washing up liquid
• Bleach
• Bleach spray
• Window cleaner
• Cleansing Surface Wipes
• Scrub brush
• Green scrub cloths
• Toilet brush
• Bathroom cleaner
• Paper towels

3. Take pictures-
Make sure you take any pictures of any damages, the gas and electric meters. This is to avoid any shocking bills that you may be send, if and when you move out (This will also get your deposit back if you live student accommodation).

4. Get to know your landlord/lady-
Be polite, get their number and get to know them a little, without being a stalker. Unless its a real emergency, treat them like you would an office, call from 9-5pm Monday-Friday. Why? Because no one wants a call at 8pm at night asking how to switch the oven on. When you have an issue its alot more easier to deal with a landlord that likes you. 

5. Family Help-
If your lucky enough to have parents to help you move in, let them. Moving into a place is not the easy and taking advantage of all the help you can will save you lots of time and effort in the long run. Also they may have some knowledge about certain electrical items or how the boiler works perhaps? Its harder to explain that over the phone. 

6. Sort out the bills and suppliers-
The faster you get bills sorted, the better. No-one wants a threatening letter from the water company about that unpaid bill that you got...about 6 months ago...

7. Scope the area-
Does your area have a convenience store? A near-by doctors surgery? Its a good idea to look around your new area to see what is near you. If you haven't got much near you, get to know where the nearest public transport is. 

8. Get to know the neighbours-
I think this is quite important because if you blank your neighbours, they will blank you. What will happen if your missing post and its going next door? But you have no clue about it because you weren't nice enough to introduce yourself to your neighbours in the first place, so they can't return your letters to you! Just exchange pleasantries and see where it takes you. You may find yourself a good friend in the process.  

9. Don't forget your friends-
Once you've moved in tell your friends where you've gone by sending them a change of address cards. It might be worth throwing a house party to show off your new house and to invite your friends to party!

10. Make it your own-
Photo frames of loved ones, pillows, flowers will make your new home more, you. The more little touches you add to your house, the more it will feel like a comfortable place to live. It will take a little time for your new place to feel comfy and homey. 

How did you feel when you first moved? Do you have any tips for moving in?

Monday Catch Up: New Beginnings (it sounds epic right?)

Its been a little over a week since I've moved in my flat with my boyfriend. We've been getting on pretty well. I mean its going really well. Its a little surreal that we've finally moved in, like a proper couple. Like a couple of grown-ups (heh... not really Penny...). I'm not sure what to really write here because, and I know its cliché, but its going perfectly. I'm almost expecting someone to come in and burst the coupley bubble. I'm so happy and I think Robs pretty happy too. Well, he should be, hes living with a pastry chef in training!

Speaking of cheffing, I've just started my pastry course. On the first day my stomach was a concoction of excited and very intimidated. The other trainee's are really qualified and are so creative,talented and they are so friendly. Like amazingly lovely. I think its sort of jittery nerves and the fear of I'm not good enough. Is that normal? Do any of you readers get like that? I think nerves are normal. I don't think I would be human if I didn't worry. 
After that first day, I've walked away with my head held high with more friends,the talk of going to cook in a restaurant, trips to Paris and learning alot of gastro-delights. I'm thrilled and really excited. Its going to a great ride, will you join me in it?

That's it for this weeks Catch-up Monday. Stay tuned for next weeks instalment.

What I Did For My Birthday

Even though I thought on my birthday week that I could take it easy and not lift a single palette knife. Of course, I got drafted and I made two chocolate cola cakes. One for my cousins birthday, which was handed out at work.

and then I made another chocolate cola cake for my boyfriends parents and of course, 'my cake tester' boyfriend.

Oh doesn't that scream chocolately goodness? 

I wanted so badly to make my own birthday cake but I was strictly warned that that wasn't going to happen as I do so much baking all the time, so I needed a break from it. Instead my lovely nan had a cake made for me and my mums birthday.

How cool is that? My mums loves bingo, (she's at that age), so she got a bingo card and I got a cute little cupcake, of course!

I was greeted on my birthday morning with a bunch of awesome presents! 

 I wasn't thrilled with all of my presents... I got some anti-wrinkle eye cream...I'm twenty-something but I think someone was trying to give me a hint there.

 However, one of my coolest cards was a beautiful Snow White card from my friend Sofia, who I made a birthday cake for. I love Disney so this was the best card! My present was inside the card...and the surprise was when I opened the card...

 Yups I'm totally going on a Ghost Bus Tour! OMG!! Thank-you Sof!!!
One of my other passions is anything scary, anything horror and ghosty. So it's not just all about cakes. 

Another one of the most beautiful cards I got, nearly moved me to tears. It was from my friend Naomi, all the way in Dubai, who I miss terribly. (Check out the Good luck cupcakes I made for Naomi here!)

 It really shocked me to see my face plastered all over the card! It looks wonderful but what made me smile was the message:

 Even the back was personalised! Thank-you Naomi, this card moved me to tears. Please come back soon!! We all really miss you here!

I was also lucky enough to spend time with my family and my boyfriend. We went out for a meal and even went out for bingo! I didn't win however. But I had an excellent birthday. 

I would like to thank everyone for my gifts, cards and for the wonderful memories. Closing this post here's a picture of one of my favourite foods, which I had the day after my birthday: Crab on Fries from Ventnor Haven Fishery on the Isle of Wight. 

These are some amazingly tasty chips!
Bake On!

The Valentines Rant!

Ok it's not really a baking post but I wanted to make my opinion clear.
On T.V, social media and shop windows are covered in red decorations as Valentines day is approaching. I see people around me getting really excited about Valentines day but to be honest I can't see why.
I have very mixed feeling about Valentines day, I mean, its nice to see shop windows wonderfully decorated and its a fab excuse to make heart shaped biscuits (I'm hoping to make those this weekend). Also to consume a silly amount of romantic based food such as white chocolate popcorn. Not that I need a good excuse. 

Vanilla cupcakes decorated by me.

But I also have a problem with it.

The issue I have is that, why on the 14th of February is the only day that couples get be romantic and show their feelings through tacky cards and teddy bears? 
Surely, if you really are in love with someone shouldn't everyday be like Valentines day? Or if you want to make someone feel really special then maybe its worth reminding them how special they are?

Image from. The Guardian Official Website.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/feb/09/gender-women

Fellas, I feel sorry for you. I truly do. If you forget the day in question. Your are in so much trouble that you get ignored for 2 days. You are put under some serious pressure on Valentines that it becomes a joke. 
Your girlfriend says: "That's ok you don't need to get me anything. It's just a stupid day." 
and you think: "Phew! Pressure is off!"
But when the 14th comes around.... and she looks at you expectingly. "Well? Where's my Valentine present?!"
"Oh crap..."
Yet if you did get her something just in case she says: "Why did you get me something? I told you not too. I didn't get you anything! Now you've made me feel guilty! Thanks a lot for ruining Valentines day!"

Image from the Vancouver Observer Official Website
http://www.vancouverobserver.com/blogs/girls/2012/02/01/bad-romance-bracing-un-romantic-valentines-day

Girls. Take the pressure off. Seriously. It's not lady-like to scream at your other half because he didn't get the right chocolates. 
Also, don't be silly in getting him a red teddy bear that says: "I wuv you." on the heart. I don't think he'll like it as much as you do.

Girls, especially, expect gifts because its Valentines. Now it's escalated from silly gifts to weekends away and 5 star fancy dinners. All these things are lovely. But it shouldn't just be for Valentines. It's not a contest between you and friends who got the best Valentines. Be grateful that you have someone to share it with!

Who doesn't want to go away for a romantic weekend? It's a sweet gesture and it's very romantic being whisked away for a mini break but it doesn't just have to be for Valentines day. It should be because, as a couple, you're in love and you don't need a special date to show each other how much you really care about each other. Even mundane things that we all take for granted like, making your partner a cup of tea, just the way they like it (Strong-ish, with milk and one tsp small sugar) is one of those things that show that you love them everyday. Even a random text or surprise phone call, taking the time to really chat. The smallest gesture can show that you truly care. 

Take it from someone who knows. While you maybe seeing your girlfriend or boyfriend all the time and saying "We never do anything romantic!" Be happy that you're with your loved one! I know people who are worlds away from their partners. Including myself. I wish I could see my boyfriend everyday but at this moment in time we can't always be together (lack of money, studying and work are all serious relationship killers). Does it stop us from seeing each other? No, we text, phone and Skype. Do we miss each other? Well duh all the time! Does it put a strain on our relationship? Yeah it can, but you know what? We are one of those deliriously in love couple and we appreciate the time we spend together and when we part, we're more in love then before. That's what everyday should be about. Not just Valentines!

Look, what I trying to get across is that whatever you get on Valentines day is great, but look beyond that day. As it is just that, just a day. I'm not coming down on people who like Valentines or trying to ruin peoples day, that is not my intention. (So no silly comments such as OMG u ha8 luv') Because, lets face it, those valentine chocolates need to eaten by someone! What I'm trying to say is that: Don't focus on where you go or what you get. Focus on spending the time with the person you love the most. 

Whatever you do, Wherever you go and whoever you spend it with. Make sure that it's someone who's just as special as you are. 

Bake On! and Have a Great Valentines Day

(My own artwork that I did in high school. Don't steal ;p)

Penny

Killer Snow-woman, Boyfriends and Cranberry and Orange Cupcakes

"It's only cupcakes Penny, the ingredients don't have to be exact."

"Hey let's eat the batter."

"Look it's a Snow-woman in a Lush bath. It looks like you!"

Some of the best quotes that my boyfriend had blurted out when we were baking cupcakes. 

He doesn't bake much, bless. 

Baking is one of these things that can bring people together. The combination of doing something fun with someone you love as well as dancing around the kitchen to some tacky music to finally decorating the cupcakes and stuffing them in our faces afterwards. 

We did bake and decorate the cupcakes in the end and not just flinging flour at each other. It was lovely to spend some down-time in the kitchen with my better half. We, (well I did really,) decided upon Cranberry and Orange cupcakes with an Orange Cream Cheese Frosting.  

Cupcakes makes 12

•      228g plain flour
•      ½  tsp of baking power
•      1/4 tsp salt
•      ¼ tsp bicarbonate of soda
•      1 tsp ground cinnamon
•      200g caster sugar
•      2 large eggs
•      100g sunflower oil
•      135ml sour cream
•      1 tsp vanilla extract
•      Grated orange zest about 1 tea spoon
•      140g fresh or frozen cranberries, finely chopped

For the Frosting:

•     175g cream cheese
•     450g icing sugar, sifted
•     125g unsalted butter at room temperature
•     Grated zest of one orange

Equipment

•  12 hole muffin tray lined with cupcake cases
• Sieve
• Knife and chopping board
• Bowl x 2
• Electric hand whisk/ mixer 
• Christmas themed decorations 
• A bit of tacky Christmas music (optional)

1. Pre-heat the oven to 150c/300f/Gas Mark 2. Line a 12 hole muffin tray with 12 cupcake cases.
2. Cream the eggs and sugar together until pale and fluffy. This should take around 3-5 minutes with an electric hand whisk. Slowly pour in the oil, a little at a time, beating well after each addition, repeat this process with the sour cream and vanilla extract, making sure that everything is well combined. Add the orange zest once everything is well combined.
3. Sift the dry ingredients together in a bowl and then add to the batter and beat well. Finally, fold in the cranberries.
4. Spoon batter into cupcake papers, filling cups about 2/3 full. Bake for 25 minutes or until tester inserted into the centre comes out clean. Remove from oven and cool.
5. To make the frosting place all the ingredients into a mixing bowl and beat well until well combined and the icing is smooth and pale.

My Boyfriend came up with a story for the snowman on these cakes: "This is a single snowman all on his own and no one to talk too."

 "Next he meets a lovely snow-woman called Penny and they fall in love."
"Awww That's sweet."
"Not for long. The snowman is beginning to annoy the snow-woman. He keeps messing up the cupcake decorations and weighing out the ingredients...."

"So she kills him for messing up her cupcakes."

 "To celebrate her cupcakes no longer getting messed up. She has a Lush bath. THE END!"

I stood there in an annoyed silence with which he stroked my arm and said:
"LOVE YOU!" and he turned back to decorating cupcakes with a silly smile on his face. 

 <<<<<<Something like this<<<<<<
So sweetie, you wanted a mention on the blog and here it is! That's what you get for saying:
"It's only cupcakes, Penny"
Well too baking mad people like me, its not just cupcakes. Its bite sized cups of heaven. 

Bake on and Merry Christmas! (And you have been warned in boyfriend baking)

Penny